Day 4 – August 27, 2011
Well today Josh didn’t have to work which was a bunch of stress off of me. Guy doesn’t know how to take his days off though, seems like he’s always running around doing something work related. Something I read off other blogs is that work will consume them if they allow it too. And I’m scared to say so but I’m thinking it’s going to consume Josh. All I hear him say now is I need to go get this for work, or I need to get my uniforms ready for work, I need to study for work. He’s so caught up in his job, and he doesn’t give himself any confidence. I wish he could come in my shoes for a day and believe in himself as much as I do. I know that with anyone starting a new job its nerve wrecking at the beginning. I remember when I took complete control of my dairy when my grandfather passed away I was scared shit less, every day I would come home and tell my grandma I hated it and I wanted to quit and everyday she would pick me up and tell me I could do it. I guess I’m taking my grandmothers roll now in telling josh that he can do it. I need to take this minute to thank you grandma for doing that for me now I see how hardheaded I was, now that I have to deal with josh’s hardheadedness.
Its days like today that I wish she were still here with me. She was just such a strong woman I can’t comprehend how she did it day in and day out. Josh and I haven’t really talked much, few texts here and there. I get that he’s let down and upset that he couldn’t come see me but I wish there were a way I could make him see the bigger picture. Ok yes he couldn’t come this weekend but I’ll be home soon and healthier and with him every day. He has this attitude towards me today and last night that makes it seem like he’s blaming me for getting sick. It’s not my fault I just had a heart transplant!
The words no girl wants to hear from the man of her dreams came out of mine today. Text read “seems like your giving up on us” really? Umm who’s online researching your career all day? Who’s trying to adjust to the huge change just thrown at her? Who’s still planning a wedding? Who’s trying to get better and come home and be there for you and be that wifey you always wanted? Who sets alarms at 1 A.M to be able to talk to you after work? Who bought you a three thousand dollar dog to cheer you up from work? Who gives you the pick me up talks when your stressed out? Who the fuck is trying to do everything she can from 6 hours away? My ass is. He makes me feel so unappreciated. I get that I’m not home but look at all the other shit I am still able to do for you. The little things don’t matter to him. I feel like he just wants the big picture but you have to take a bunch of little ones to finally understand and have the big one. I go out of my way to understand what he is going through, I Google shit I call people, I email people all just to understand what being a sheriff and a sheriff’s girlfriend is and he doesn’t care. Five years into our relationship has he put forth the same effort to look into what I’m going through? Does he know what CHF is? Has he googled heart transplants or Lupus condition? Nope nothing. Yet, I am the one giving up. Reality checks Josh I busting my ass to be with you.
On to another thing cause I know that paragraph is just going to make him mad, because not even 24 hrs in my family has already told him about this blog. I guess I don’t care I’m still going to continue it and speak my mine that is for sure. I love my family I just wish they would step back a little. I know they care about me but I don’t think they realize that they cause so much tension between Josh and me. My bro tells Josh stuff that’s going on but doesn’t clarify it and then Josh thinks the worse and gets mad at me for not telling him. So I look like the bad guy again. It’s whatever guess I just have to deal with my overly nosey family. It’s better than them hating him I suppose. I guess my brothers invited Josh to a bbq tomorrow and of course it saddens me. Does that make me selfish that I don’t want everyone hanging out with my man? I want to be there too. But I can’t say anything because it makes me selfish and Josh gets all mad at me and lashes out and says shit like what you want me to sit home all fucken day. Um no I don’t want you to sit home all day, but I’m allowed to be sad that I’m stuck in a hospital and you’re not. Just like if you were at work and I were to spend Christmas with you family I’m sure you’d be sadden that you didn’t get to be there, right?
I’m really starting to love blogging. Last night I wanted to get up and turn on my laptop just to get some things off my chest. I become my new form of stress releasing. I just sit here take a deep breath and just let my fingers say what my heart doesn’t want to hold in. I wish josh would take the time to do something similar, I’m not saying he needs to start a blog, heck no he wouldn’t have the time, but I wish he would just sit in his favorite couch, take a deep breath, and think about shit and realize that I’m not the bad guy and I’m not out to purposely make it to where he can’t see me and the fact that he blames me really affects me.
I got a release date of September 2nd, and I’m hoping that it’s not a letdown. I’m ready to be home. Be lazy for a bit, heal up, play with all my animals, snuggle with my hubby, make him dinner, be his little house wife until I can start going back to work, plan our wedding. Just the little things in life that I took for granted before. I just want to sit on the couch at midnight with my bowl of cereal waiting for my babe to come home. That’s it. That’s all I want lol cheesy huh?
Is it hard to be a LEO’s gf? Extremely! Especially in our situation. Granted I’m scared of losing him I going to work my ass off to make us work. I love him to death and I don’t know what I would do without him.
Signed,
Future Leo’s Wife
PS: Just when you want to give up, grab yourself by the balls and keep truckin’.
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