There will be no more blog. :(

Day 8 – Ups and Downs return

Day 8 – August 31, 2011

               

Well today has been an up and down kind of day. Started off really good, then became really crappy now its but up to really good! Josh called me this morning when he got off work. I had set my alarm but he called before it went off. I guess 1:15a.m isn’t early enough for the alarm, I’ll have to remember to change it tonight to 1:05a.m. He was in a good mood. I mean he was exhausted of course, working 3 to 1 am is no joke. But he was in good spirit. I love hearing him talk about work in a happy positive way. After that first day of him hating it and it now getting better , it’s a load off my shoulders. Every night it seems he learns something new, or something new excites him. He rambled on and on about his night. I learned to let him say what he wants to say. I don’t ask for details I just let him tell me what he wants to tell me. If your becoming a LEO gf that’s something you need to learn quick.  We talked until he got home and went to bed. I love our late night convo’s.  It’s a mess for my sleep schedule but I don’t mind too much. I rather talk to him for half hour then sleep that half hour. We went to bed after that.

                

This morning I got to leave the hospital for a bit again. I love the freedom they give me, just with I were home to have it. My cousin Jordan came and got me and took me shopping. It was nice. We were sitting at a coffee shop, when some douche bag decided it would be funny to say I got a boob job, cause im still all wrapped up from the heart transplant. So what do I do? I ripped him a new. He had no respect to for me or women probably in that case. He left the shop with his head down. I’m glad Jordan didn’t hear him cause she might of jumped him. She’s cool ass shit but sometimes she can be a bit extreme. We then got some In and Out and chilled at her friends house for a bit. Now im back at the hospital waiting to go finish up my last session of physical activity. YAY

               

Well I will write again later im sure I haven’t said all I wanted to say yet. So until then bye ya’ll.

Signed,

Future LEO’s Wife

PS: Overreacting causes more harm then the original issue to begin with. Breathe!

Day 7 - I made it a week!

Day 7 - August 30, 2011

    Well, we did it guys, we made it a whole week of him being on the streets! I couldnt be more proud. I can't say that it's getting easier because it's not. It's going to take a while before it gets easier. I hate that i'm not home.

    Ok so I had a pretty decent day. The babe worked late, so me waking up at 1 a.m was pointless, so i went back to sleep. He called me at 4 when he was getting into bed but I was so out of it and asleep I dont even remember if we talked. Sorry babe. I then had to do physical which was better this time. I think im doing good and doctors say i am doing good. So that deadline to be home by friday is within my reach! Babe woke up around noon. We talked about his day. He experienced his second dead body. This one was in an accident so I dont think it affected him as drastically as the first one, but it still bothered him. I like that he seems more calm and relaxed when talking about going to work. Its as though hes losing his first day jitters. That makes me feel so much better.

   So he went to work early today to finish signing his benefits package and life insurance. He put his mother down as his beneficiary! I was hurt, im still hurt. He didnt even ask me if i wanted to be. Here im supposed to be future wife and he choose his mom. I get that he is attached to her, but he should of at least of asked me. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I mean i made him the sole benificiary of all my stuff years ago. Maybe i'm reading to much into this. He said he'd change it later, i dont want it and i dont need it, I just wanted to be asked.

   Today I got to leave the hospital for the first time in like two weeks! They said i'd have to take it easy. So i went to lunch with my cousin Jordan. She took me to the beach and on a farris wheel ride at the santa monica peer. Best thing to happen in a long time. It was so relaxing. I'm not going to lie I cried a little. I was only out for a little over an hour. I became very tired so i thought it best i return to the hospital. Now im laying here watching Tosh.o. Missing my baby.

  I will talk to you guys tomorrow. Good night.

Signed,

Future Leo's Wife :)


PS: Enjoy the little things in life.

Day 6 - Lonely once more

Day 6 - August 29,2011

Well he went back to work today. It sucks balls! I hate his schedule! Im so lonely! But its ok I have to be strong for him. I know that after i get home it will be easier.So for now im gonna tough it out. Today was Josh's Swear in date! Im so proud of him. It's all official now he's a FT Sheriff! I hope he's proud of himself cause he needs to be. He has come so far since he first started. This is huge.

My family has become my biggest pain in the ass. It has been non stop calls from them saying they should of been invited to Josh's swearing in thing. They now think that he was embarressed of them thats why he didnt ask them to come. Um no mother he didnt ask you cause your not his mom. I guess it would of been nice to have my mom there but I get that he didnt mention anything to her or my brother. Its not like they do anything for him. Well they kind do but at the same time they cause more harm then good at points.

I had to do a physical type test today it sucked majorly. I had to walk a mile as fast as i could. Then i had to do some other lunges type things it was just a mess. I hated every part of it. but its what i had to do to be able to leave so hey bring it on Doctor ill do it again tomorrow. no problem lol

Still expected to be home on friday. So i get to see my monkey when he gets off work! AHHH! i cant wait. Five bucks says he'll cry before I do lol. no i doubt that one. I know ill cry for sure, im the cry baby.

Ok im going to set my alarm for 115am and go lay down ill finish this in the morning. Im gonna wait for my love bug to call me on his way home. good night y'all!

Signed,

Future LEO's Wife


PS: What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

Day 5 - What a lame day lol

Day 5 - August 28, 2011

   Today was kind of a vanilla day for me. Josh didnt work today and I didnt have any health scares. He had to help his father feed today which is normal for his sunday mornings. We talked things out last night. I think we both just let our emotions get the best of us. I think we are going to be ok though. I should be home by Friday morning. Which is perfect cause thats when his days off start! I cant wait for the snuggle time.

   Tomorrow is his Swear in date! im so proud of him!!!!! I hate that i cant be there for it. I can tell he's bummed but my health is more important at this moment. Soon ill be home for everything.

    He's been busy today, went to all his nephews football games and his nieces cheerleading. Ain't i just the luckiest to get a man like him? He's gonna be an amazing father some day. For now we'll just enjoy the nieces and nephews for a bit til i get better and after the wedding lol.

   I cant believe this is the first time i dont have anything to blog about today has just been a very uneventful day for me im kinda sad lol.

This is Kiah! Josh's new baby. he told me i had to add her pic to my blog lol

Hope your happy love!

Well I'll blog again tomorrow im gonna get settled in for the VMA's lol

Signed,

Future LEO's Wife

PS: Enjoy the little things in life that make you smile.

Day 4 – I’m Scared

Day 4 – August 27, 2011

                Well today Josh didn’t have to work which was a bunch of stress off of me. Guy doesn’t know how to take his days off though, seems like he’s always running around doing something work related. Something I read off other blogs is that work will consume them if they allow it too. And I’m scared to say so but I’m thinking it’s going to consume Josh. All I hear him say now is I need to go get this for work, or I need to get my uniforms ready for work, I need to study for work. He’s so caught up in his job, and he doesn’t give himself any confidence.  I wish he could come in my shoes for a day and believe in himself as much as I do. I know that with anyone starting a new job its nerve wrecking at the beginning. I remember when I took complete control of my dairy when my grandfather passed away I was scared shit less, every day I would come home and tell my grandma I hated  it and I wanted to quit and everyday she would pick me up and tell me I could do it. I guess I’m taking my grandmothers roll now in telling josh that he can do it. I need to take this minute to thank you grandma for doing that for me now I see how hardheaded I was, now that I have to deal with josh’s hardheadedness. 

                Its days like today that I wish she were still here with me. She was just such a strong woman I can’t comprehend how she did it day in and day out. Josh and I haven’t really talked much, few texts here and there. I get that he’s let down and upset that he couldn’t come see me but I wish there were a way I could make him see the bigger picture. Ok yes he couldn’t come this weekend but I’ll be home soon and healthier and with him every day. He has this attitude towards me today and last night that makes it seem like he’s blaming me for getting sick. It’s not my fault I just had a heart transplant!

                The words no girl wants to hear from the man of her dreams came out of mine today. Text read “seems like your giving up on us” really? Umm who’s online researching your career all day? Who’s trying to adjust to the huge change just thrown at her? Who’s still planning a wedding? Who’s trying to get better and come home and be there for you and be that wifey you always wanted? Who sets alarms at 1 A.M to be able to talk to you after work? Who bought you a three thousand dollar dog to cheer you up from work? Who gives you the pick me up talks when your stressed out? Who the fuck is trying to do everything she can from 6 hours away? My ass is. He makes me feel so unappreciated. I get that I’m not home but look at all the other shit I am still able to do for you. The little things don’t matter to him. I feel like he just wants the big picture but you have to take a bunch of little ones to finally understand and have the big one.  I go out of my way to understand what he is going through, I Google shit I call people, I email people all just to understand what being a sheriff and a sheriff’s girlfriend is and he doesn’t care. Five years into our relationship has he put forth the same effort to look into what I’m going through?  Does he know what CHF is? Has he googled heart transplants or Lupus condition? Nope nothing.  Yet, I am the one giving up. Reality checks Josh I busting my ass to be with you.

                On to another thing cause I know that paragraph is just going to make him mad, because not even 24 hrs in my family has already told him about this blog. I guess I don’t care I’m still going to continue it and speak my mine that is for sure. I love my family I just wish they would step back a little. I know they care about me but I don’t think they realize that they cause so much tension between Josh and me. My bro tells Josh stuff that’s going on but doesn’t clarify it and then Josh thinks the worse and gets mad at me for not telling him. So I look like the bad guy again. It’s whatever guess I just have to deal with my overly nosey family. It’s better than them hating him I suppose.  I guess my brothers invited Josh to a bbq tomorrow and of course it saddens me. Does that make me selfish that I don’t want everyone hanging out with my man? I want to be there too. But I can’t say anything because it makes me selfish and Josh gets all mad at me and lashes out and says shit like what you want me to sit home all fucken day. Um no I don’t want you to sit home all day, but I’m allowed to be sad that I’m stuck in a hospital and you’re not. Just like if you were at work and I were to spend Christmas with you family I’m sure you’d be sadden that you didn’t get to be there, right?

                I’m really starting to love blogging. Last night I wanted to get up and turn on my laptop just to get some things off my chest.  I become my new form of stress releasing. I just sit here take a deep breath and just let my fingers say what my heart doesn’t want to hold in. I wish josh would take the time to do something similar, I’m not saying he needs to start a blog, heck no he wouldn’t have the time, but I wish he would just sit in his favorite couch, take a deep breath, and think about shit and realize that I’m not the bad guy and I’m not out to purposely make it to where he can’t see me and the fact that he blames me really affects me.

                I got a release date of September 2nd, and I’m hoping that it’s not a letdown. I’m ready to be home. Be lazy for a bit, heal up, play with all my animals, snuggle with my hubby, make him dinner, be  his little house wife until I can start going back to work, plan our wedding. Just the little things in life that I took for granted before. I just want to sit on the couch at midnight with my bowl of cereal waiting for my babe to come home. That’s it. That’s all I want lol cheesy huh?

                Is it hard to be a LEO’s gf? Extremely! Especially in our situation. Granted I’m scared of losing him I going to work my ass off to make us work. I love him to death and I don’t know what I would do without him.

Signed,

Future Leo’s Wife

PS: Just when you want to give up, grab yourself by the balls and keep truckin’. 

Day 3 – Back on the rocky road

Day 3 – August 26, 2011

Well he finished his third day on the street.  Already worked a few hours over. I’m not sure how it went, I didn’t get a feel for his attitude. He told me about a call he got and then he had to do some extra hours cause of some reports he had to write up. Overall I believe he had a decent night.

   He was supposed to be here by now but we had a bit of set back on my part. Im having some heart rate issues that the doctors are concerned about so im in critical care unit and cant have visitors. He wanted to come anyways but I don’t see why come all this way and sit in a waiting room in hopes that maybe they will let him see me. So I told him to stay home and rest, but of course he wouldn’t why would he sleep in on his first day off. Nope he gets up and goes out of his way to get something I don’t know what and go get lunch. If I were him I would of stayed in bed and made a yummy home cooked meal. Rather then fatty foods. But that’s josh for you, gets lunch out and then will complain to me about his weight for an hour. I don’t mind  though just get tired of hearing it everyday hes worse than a woman. Lol

  I don’t want to be here anymore. Im so homesick it aint funny, and having to deal with this huge change of not having my hubby to talk to just adds to it. I thought id be ok talking shit out with my mom and brother but they don’t seem to have a lock when it comes to telling josh everything I say to them. He does not need to know im in critical care unit while at work! IF I WERE ON A VENTALATOR AND I WAS DYING! THEN YES TELL HIM but I was ok it was just for safe measures. I don’t believe in stressing him out during his work days. I don’t keep anything from my bf, I just withheld it till he was off work. I don’t think that is wrong. I mean he just started working on the street hes stressed and he saw his first dead body the other day. You know when my family tells him im in critical care unit hes gonna start thinking im gonna die and picture me dead! But of course my family and hubby just say I overreact and that I should tell him, so if the truth is what he wants then I guess ill give it to him.

     Im worried, not that we wont make, but that Josh is going to crack before I get home. I hate that im so far away. I know we’re going to be ok he knows were going to be ok but I don’t know that he has it in him to wait for me to get home. Im scared I might lose him if I don’t get out of this critical care unit soon.

   Ok so to a better subject, I have now a whole file on my computer of wedding flower arrangements and favors and linens and all kinds of wedding things that I cant wait to get home and have time to go through them with josh. I should mention to those reading that he loves everything about the wedding. He wants to pick the colors, the kinds arrangements,  all the little details that most men don’t care about he wants to be involved. I love him for it, granted it gets annoying sometimes its ok I don’t mind it better then him just saying “tell me when to be there.” Lol. I found this dress I really like by Vera Wang that’s some what in my budget that I am dying to go try on.  I wanted to keep tradition and not have josh see my dress before hand but at the same time I kind of want his input on what I look like on our special day. I want him to watch me come down the isle and be like damn that’s going to be my wife. I was looking for princess ball gowns but after really thinkin about what Josh likes Im leaning to a mermaid or fit and flare, cause hes a fan of ghetto booty I got going. I was also going to get something that covers my heart surgery scar but now im thinking that I shouldn’t. I want something strapless for sure. Im going to do what josh tells me and be proud that I made it through this. He doesn’t mind it so neither am I.

    Ok , well I am starting to not feel well so im going to stop here and finish up later.

Love

Future LEO’s Wife

PS: Forgive those who are only trying to help.